Forgetting Freedom out of Fear

I question Ev-er-y-thing... Just ask my sisters or any teacher I've ever had.

I thirst for knowledge, and to know what will happen next.  
In fact, sometimes I find myself fearing the unknown.

Do I really trust God with my future?  

Time and time again, Daddy God's plan has trumped my own.  Head knowledge tells me that His plans, not my own, should be where I place my hope and my future.  

But..... sometimes I feel like the Israelites.

Scholars can debate about it all day but, the Israelites were slaves in Egypt for at least 200 years, living there for over 400.  When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh to deliver the "Let my people go" message from God, one of the first things Pharaoh did was require them to make the same progress in their work without providing one of the major ingredients -- the straw for the bricks. (Exodus 5) Clearly this is not a situation you want to work under, right?  Back-breaking work, unrealistic expectations... and oh yeah.... let's kill your babies too so you don't raise up and take over our kingdom.

Now, fast forward through the plagues and the passover where the firstborn died in every house that wasn't marked as the Lord had commanded.  With the death of his son, Pharaoh finally comes to a place where he is willing to let the Israelites go, and they book it out of there.  God leads them day and night and when it looks like they are going to be trapped by a major waterway, He gives Moses the power to part the sea so they can walk straight across, but the Egyptians are wiped out when the waters are released. (Exodus 14)

Now, when the Israelites felt trapped at the edge of the water, they said to Moses "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?  Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" (Exodus 14: 11-12) 

God provided a way when when they doubted if freedom had been the right choice.

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.  Clearly God was watching out for His chosen people.  How quickly though do we forget this truth?

In Exodus 16, the story continues:

 The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt.  In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron.  The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

As I read these passages yesterday,  I was so disappointed in the Israelites.  Only 5 or 6 weeks earlier, God had shown up in a HUGE way.  He had pulled them out of slavery, parted the sea so they could walk across dry ground, and in Exodus 15, He provided the needed water and shade in the desert.  When we read here, it's so clear God's got their back, and yet they want to go back to slavery, picking the known pain over the unknown plans in the hands of Daddy God.

How often is that me, playing the scared Israelite who would rather be enslaved than walk in freedom and protection into the unknown?

 

This next week, I challenge you to consider these thoughts with me:

- Do I REALLY trust God?

- In what areas of my life am I choosing stability over walking in faith?

- What "chains" do I need to stop running back to because God's got better?

- How is the Holy Spirit leading me to move?

Be Bold. Be Courage. Be All In. <3

Distracting from the Meaningless

On Fridays, I go to a little local treasure for breakfast.  Because my regular booth-mates were gone, I decided to use it as my quiet time and just hang out with Daddy God.

I sat there, with my name on my cup, and indulged in my weekly cinnamon roll.  Like always, it didn't disappoint.

But this was a special day.  It was D-day, June 6th, and the day I would hear about if I got my dream job or not.  I needed God to calm my soul and give me peace.

So I started prayer journaling.....

Enter into the gates with praise and thanksgiving (Psalms 100:4)  I know God hears me no matter what words I use, but I think this attitude of thanksgiving helps me to be receptive so I always start out with the "goods"

Daddy God, 

Thank you for this day.  Thank you for this place, a place to belong every Friday morning.  Thank you for the opportunity to wake up early and have another day to walk these beautiful streets, to take in the smells of the kitchen and the kindness in my servers smile.  Thank you for the opportunity to interview this week.....

And then I heard her...

"I have money.  Can you help me? I got hurt running away from a bad man and the police arrested me!  They stole my stuff."

I couldn't help but notice that they were bringing her back to the booth RIGHT behind me.  She was loud.  She was blunt. She wanted everyone to pay attention to her.

And I wanted to ignore her.  

I liked my comfortable bubble.

I had come to my normal spot to enjoy the quiet, calm, early morning atmosphere, surrounded by my tea, roll, bible, and journal.  This lady was ruining it.

I tried to go back to my journal, but she was so distracting.  

.....Thank you for the opportunity to interview this week.  Thank you for having a plan for me.  But Jesus, if this isn't part of it, don't let them offer this job to me, because I want to take it.

"What's that girl doing? Girl, what are you doing"

I tried so hard to ignore her, but she was making me upset.  I needed time with God and she was butting in.  I felt like a jealous older sibling who had to share a parent with the new baby.  I didn't want to share this time with this stranger, so I continued to ignore her.

I looked back at my journal

"The cab driver gave me this.  He was so sweet.  He told me to go get breakfast but I didn't know if I could come in here.  I was at the hospital long enough.  They could have let me take a shower," she told the server (and everyone else in that end of the restaurant).

Ug...... I just couldn't focus.  She was SO LOUD.

God, help me to focus.  

Help me to be able to spend this time with you.  

Help me to block out this distraction behind me.

And then it hit me like a bus.  I was praying the wrong thing.

Daddy God, change my heart for this woman.

And I picked up my bible, flipping through the well worn pages to find the right verse.  I needed something about compassion.  As I searched my highlighted bits and notes throughout the well worn book, I couldn't find what I was looking for.  Another local, turned to me and asked what I was reading.  I smiled politely and said, "my bible"

"Oh.  You're reading that.  Can you pick something from it and write it down for me?"

YES! This lady wanted something from Jesus!  I could help with this this!

I turned back to my bible and looked through a few verses, trying to decide which one to write down for her, but I couldn't decide.  Then it hit me.

"Can I pray with you?"

Yes, she was finally getting the attention she wanted as I moved over into her booth and held her hands.  I asked her what she wanted prayer for.

For the next hour, she told me her story.

Her name was Karen Swett.

She had nothing left to her name but her fake smile and the few things that hadn't been stolen from her yet that sat beside her in plastic sacks.

She had hurt her knee running from a man trying to assault her and been taken in by the police.

She'd had 12 babies, of which only two had lived and both of them had been taken away from her.

She had struggled with drug addictions.

She had no home, no family, no money and no hope.

She was bitter and angry.

She cried.

She cussed.

She was so hurt.

So we prayed.  And then I felt like I had to give her my bible.

But I really didn't want to. I know it sounds petty but... 

It had been around the world with me, twice.

It was mine.

It was even my favorite color.

I was attached to it.

I had highlighted, written notes, and dog eared pages.  

I would have to start over.

But then I looked at her.

"Here, this is for you.  I can't choose what to write down for you because it's all good.  I've marked it up over the past couple years so that should help you find what you're looking for."

She just stared at me with her mouth open and started crying again.  Before she would let me go, she asked me to write a message in it and kissed my hand, and then apologized for being dirty.  I ran my hand over her hair and told her not to apologize for showing me love....and then I left.

It's been two weeks since that day, and I've thought of her every day since.  I pray for her because of where she was at.  I pray that she will open up that bible and not just pitch it in the trash.  

And I thank Daddy God.  

I thank Him for using her to bring me out of the comfort zone I'd settled into.  Sometimes as Christians, we get so caught up in being "good Christians" (saying nice things, reading our bibles, etc.) , that we forgot to be like Jesus.  I was getting annoyed at this "distraction" when in reality my selfishness was distracting me from what was really important.  I was being so selfish, with my time, and then with my bible, that I almost missed a chance to love on someone who really needed it. 

Thank you for the gentle reminder of why I'm here, Daddy God. <3

Please keep Karen in your prayers.

The Heart of the Pie

I bake.

OKAY....I bake a lot.

For example, in the span of a week, I baked three different types of pie and played around with a coffee cake recipe.

(Lucky for me, I've been able to round up several willing taste-testers to help me share in the calories.)

But I don't just bake because I like food...
or because I have a stunning kitchen that I can't stand to let sit there by its lonesome.

There is a list catalysts for my baking sprees but most importantly, I bake because it helps me connect to God.  In particular, it makes me feel close to his "Creator" characteristic because when I bake, I don't follow directions. I take them to be more like guidelines and use my creativity to pull together finished products.

And as I pull together my creations, I imagine Him building His.

His soft yet strong hands pulling what He needs out of thin air.  Starting from NOTHING, He creates something beautiful.... LIFE.

As I close my eyes, I can see him begin.

From nothing, I imagine a ball of matter just appearing upon His command.  Then He gently pulls out the hands and feet, creating arms for hugging and legs He will instruct where to go. 

Next He molds up a head and carves out the intricate features to grace the face; the shape of the nose, the curve of the lips, the purposefully uneven ear placement.  Each movement makes this one unique even though He's done this millions of times.  He takes his time though, placing the roots of the hair into the scalp, keeping track of their number and giving them each a unique color.  He opens the eyelids and places the sparkle in it that will light up when she's really happy.

Then He moves to the heart, placing desires deep within.  He gives her the desire to grow things, to capture beauty, to travel, to care for kiddos, to explore, to sing, and to love on others.  With the snap of His fingers, He commands the creation of the organs and quickly connects the billions of neurons throughout the body.  He places instructions for the future in the DNA and in less than a moment, the most complex system we know, is put into motion.

Now I know my creations in the kitchen aren't THAT great, but I can make some mean sweet potato pie.

And as I pull my products out of the oven to admire them, I imagine God looking at His new creation, with that proud father smile and whispering "It is good."

Thank you Daddy God for these glimpses of your character <3

"Worthy are You, our Lord and our God, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and because of Your will they existed, and were created." -Romans 4:11

A Lonely Faith

I grew up in a "Christian Town". 

There are over a half dozen churches for a population of under 600 people. 
We still have "Christmas Break" not Winter break or Holiday break.
The local stores are closed on Sundays. 
We have baccalaureate services in the school and two church dinners for the graduating seniors.
We say God Bless and Praying for you without thinking that someone may be offended by it.

I have never felt like I've been looked down on because of my faith when I am at home.

Yes, I know that there are people in my hometown that don't believe in Daddy God, but I don't remember ever feeling like I was the only Christian around.  I continued to feel connected when I went to college, and as I've traveled in N. Ireland, England, New Zealand and even in Japan.

But not now.

Norway, this truly wonderful place that I DO love is.....................a word that I can not come up with.  (The lack of the right English word seems to be fairly common these days.)

With a national church, singing prayers in the elementary school, and a "socially mandatory" tradition of 15 year olds going through confirmation, Norway appears, and most Norwegians would say that it is, a Christian nation and yet, I have found it hard to find people that believe that God exists; and even harder to find someone who believes He is the God with the character that I have come to know.

And this is really hard for me.

My friend was writing a paper about heaven and hell and mentioned that it would be crazy if someone actually believed in hell.  She was fascinated when I told her that I did, and I was shocked when she told me I was the first person she'd met that does.  She went on to explain that the practice of confirmation is a "right of passage" here, not a public display of faith.

At 15 years of age, the majority of the Norwegian population is "confirmed".  While my friend went through the "Human-Etisk Forbund", the secular alternative, the majority of students still choose confirmation in the church because of tradition.  Whether it is their own desire to continue the tradition or pressure from those closest to them, the decision to be confirmed doesn't appear to be linked to a belief in Christ at all.

And one woman described the national church to me as a security blanket.  Part of the tax revenue goes to the churches but even the people who don't believe in God don't tend to complain about it.  People can only be buried at the church and the priest will come if there is anything wrong so you know you're not alone.  This makes the Church look like a safe place but not because the church family or a loving Daddy God, but because of the structure and regulations that surround it.  As a firm believer that the church is the body not the building, this idea baffles me.

So I struggle to fit in here. 

Maybe it's part of the Norwegian culture that has kept me from meeting more Christians.  It's not common for them to open up about what they believe or to talk about God.  In fact, it's not really common to talk or even smile at people that you don't know..... which I have also struggled with.  But here I feel lonely.

So although I love parts of this culture like the strong family bonds, and the "outdoors-y" attitude that seems to be ingrained in every person I meet, I think I would have a really hard time living here full time/long term. 

But maybe that's why I am supposed to be here in this season.
- to show that love
- to learn how it feels when to be physically apart from a community of faith
- to be reminded that I am not in control
- to struggle and wrestle with things that will force me to grow


I don't know His plans, but I know He's got plans <3

All the Wrong Reasons

I struggle with working.

Growing up on a farm, I have been blessed with a good work ethic.  I know the importance of taking care of the critters regardless of the time of day, weather conditions, or other activities that beg for my attention.  It's something that has helped me secure countless jobs that in all honesty, I was not even qualified to apply for.  Being willing to work hard often trumps having previous knowledge or experience if you are teachable.  While I am grateful for this, I've found that it has helped to shape a false sense of self worth and a people pleasing mentality.

While on this exchange in Europe, time and time again I have found myself trying to "earn my keep".  Whenever I get to a new host family, I immediately want to help, which is great!  It allows me to be with the family and become like one of the children.  It also lets me experience "real life" instead of being like a guest.  Often, it is even something that I actually enjoy doing like splitting firewood, feeding the baby calves or baking bread for the family.

But, at times, I confuse the value of what I'm able to do to help out on the farm with my value as a person.

It isn't anything new though.  When I was helping with a small church my college town, I kept on taking on more and more responsibilities as they needed more help.  In response, I felt more valued the more I took on.  It wasn't until I took a step back, that I was able to see how wrong I was.

So what did I do?  I had to stop.

Stop volunteering.

Stop working so hard.

Stop trying to impress others.

Stop working for my worth.

I went from working with a church 8-10 hours a week to merely going to my new church's morning service and being part of the family....for almost 3 months. The enemy kept nagging at me with guilt, for not working hard enough and being lazy, but I knew it was what I needed to do to remember where my worth comes from.

 

Daddy God doesn't need me to work.  He doesn't need my intervention at all.  He can part might rivers, build mountains, program the neurological connections inside the human brain, paint the sky with a beautiful sunsets and still have time to listen to my prayers about the smallest things.  No, He doesn't need me.  But yet, He created me.

 

In a world that is constantly objectifying people on a daily basis, judging them on their ability to generate productivity, new ideas, and bottom-line results, it is easy to miss our own true value.

I might be wrong, but I think it's the root of addictions.  When we don't know how much we are valued and loved, we try whatever we can to find that temporary fix for that massive hole.

Recognition/Awards

Alcohol

Food

Drugs

Money

Sex

Working out

Self Mutilation

And the list goes on and on.....

So today, when I found myself working feverishly to try to "earn my keep", I had to take a step back and reset my thinking.

I am not working because it will make them love me.

I am working because I love the people that I'm helping.  I appreciate them taking me into their homes and letting me be a part of their families.  I want to show them love because I know love.  I want them to look at me and see Abba's love.

I have already been shown perfect love and even when I don't feel loved, I am being smothered with it.  I don't need anyone else to love me.  My Daddy God has never forgotten about me.  He loves me perfectly, constantly and forever more.

Someday, I will get to be in heaven with Him; I long for that day. But today, I love the one who loves me from this side of the heaven.  I love those who I have been blessed to be surrounded by, but I will not work to make them love me back.

 

Colossians 3

22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 

 

Song of the Day: Identity - Kutless

 

 

GRACE UNPLUGGED

Traveling Takes Me Back

A few years ago now, I went to New Zealand and it changed my life drastically.  It changed the way I treated those I loved, those I didn't love and myself.  And all of this happened because I discovered how much I was/am/always will be loved by the Father.  Looking back now, I know that's one of the reasons why I will always love New Zealand to bits, because aside from the welcoming community and the gorgeous countryside,  it really did shape my identity. 

Now, after being back two years, the freshness of that revelation has been hidden not because it is any less true, but because like precious silver, if not polished, it will begin to look tarnished. 

But traveling always helps me remember how big God really is.

His fingerprints are everywhere.

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.
- Colossians 1:16

In the relationships around me.

In the English countryside.

In the beauty of the sunrises and sunsets.

In my quiet times when I find a gem that speaks to my heart.

In the voice on the radio.

In my conversations with people about what I believe.

Yes, traveling takes me out of my comfort zone.  It takes me out of my normal group of people and from the people who agree with me.

But traveling reminds me why I love Jesus.

I love Him not out of obligation or condemnation.  I love Him because I've realized I am loved.

I go to church not because I believe that it is a required step to get to heaven, but because I love the community and know accountability is key.

I choose to share about what I believe in not because I want to force it down anyone's throat but because I've seen peoples lives be rocked when they let Him in.

I love traveling because it reminds me how fast everything I know on this earth can be gone in the blink of an eye, because everything is temporary outside of heaven.

When nothing else is constant, always moving from place to place, Daddy God is.

The best place to find yourself in my opinion will always be where nobody knows your background.  At this point, you get to discover your deepest self. 
When you strip away your mistakes and accomplishments,
the labels and titles,
the treasures and the struggles,
there at the core,
that's Jesus. 

Created in his image, a snap shot of the characteristics of God is embedded in our innermost being. 

So today, I am thankful for being able to travel, to be able to step out of the routine and be reminded of how much I am loved with a deeper understanding of Daddy God.

The Journey to Joy

I am genuinely happy.  

Life is not perfect and I'm far from where I thought I would be, but my joyfulness often bubbles out uncontrollably. It's hard to contain.

But it hasn't always been that way. 

There is no secret recipe or a one time fix to suddenly be happy.  The path to joy will likely be different for everyone, but here's my journey.

A few years ago, I found myself in yet another season of constant sadness.  I'd been through the wringer, but even when life was going along beautiful,  I couldn't shake the feeling of worthlessness and being chronically sad.  I was overwhelmed with a heaviness that took it's toll on me, which in turn encouraged me to treat people poorly...... or just pretend that everything was okay.  Both responses made it hard for people to want to be around me.  My depression led to loneliness, which made me more sad, which made me more lonely and more sad.  It was a vicious cycle.

When I got to college, I reached my breaking point; I decided to see the doctor about it.  After being diagnosed with depression and PTSD, I made the decision not to take any medication (which may not be the best choice for everyone) but also not to stay where I was.  I had to make a change.

For me, depression had become an addiction.  I wallowed in it even when I felt good because it was familiar and yet, I wouldn't admit that it had a grip on my life. I was unwilling to give up the familiarity to find joy.

In John 5, Jesus shows up at the pool of Bethesda  (If you haven't read it, check it out!), and says to a man who has been ill for decades, "Do you want to be healed?" (v. 6)

When I decided that I wanted something else, I caught a glimpse of what God had been doing in my heart.  It was not in his design for me to be engulfed in sadness.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

-Zephaniah 3:17

From there, I started taking steps to walk in freedom.

***** Prayer Time

Talking to Daddy God is now one of my favorite things to do everyday because;
-He's doesn't have "store hours" so I can call Him any time
-He understands me even when I can't find the words (Psalm 139:4)
-It lets me give someone else my worries and hurts
-It builds our relationship

My prayer time has changed pretty drastically.  It's not boxed in to a few minutes a day when I have the right words and can close my eyes without getting distracted.  It's the time when I'm riding the bike at the gym, while I'm walking around campus, at 5 am prayer meetings, when I see something beautiful, when I see someone hurting, when I'm mad/sad/happy/thankful/bored/feeling any emotion, in corporate/solitary settings, etc.  Prayer time has become any moment that I want to talk to my Daddy God.

*****Research

I've been listening to and speaking lies into my own life, so I had a lot of unlearning to do.  I started reading my bible and listening to sermons to find out the truth.  I'm learning who I am, my identity in Christ, and who God is, both of which will rock your life.  You'll start seeing yourself and others the way that God sees them which in turn changes interactions and hearts.

*****Turn Out (Isaiah 58:10)

On my bad days, I've found that serving others is a great way to put things back into perspective.  My depression caused me to turn in and sulk about what was going on with me, me, me, me, me.  Serving on the other hand, brought the big picture back into sight and gave me a short term purpose.

But just look at Jesus's life.  His life was about serving and working for others.  The bible instructs us to serve.  Don't believe me? Check out these verses.

*****Thankfulness

Be thankful always.....

-Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

-Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.  And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:17-21)

-Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
    make known his deeds among the peoples!
² Sing to him, sing praises to him;
    tell of all his wondrous works!
³ Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
⁴ Seek the Lord and his strength;
    seek his presence continually!
⁵ Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
⁶ O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
    children of Jacob, his chosen ones! (Psalm 105:1-6)

Sometimes I need to be reminded that although there's crap going on around me, it's not all bad.  While I'd love to take credit for this idea, it's not a new one.  In the movie Pollyanna, the young girl teaches people to plays The Glad Game.  In White Christmas, Bing Crosby sings about counting his blessings. There's something heart changing about seeing the good.  When I'm having a bad day, I'll have a friend hold me accountable for being thankful by sending them texts all day about what I'm thankful for.

*****Focus

You have to focus on the right things.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:4-8

*****Community

When a person is depressed, it's really dangerous for them to be alone.  Even when I don't feel like being around people, I try not to let myself retreat to be by myself for very long.  Over the past few years, I've put in the effort to build friendships because I know that we're not supposed to be alone (John 15, Ecclesiastes 4, Galatians 6:2, etc.)  I now have friends who recognize when I'm struggling and will call me out on it.  I talk to my family and have stopped church hopping so I can have a church family.  I'm in a small group, and put out effort to meet with people regularly.  I also don't live by myself because I don't want to allow myself the opportunity to slip back into my own little world.

Depression is hard whether it's a chronic pattern that just won't go away or a deep sadness that just showed up because of a recent event.  Being joyful doesn't always happen over night, but don't loose hope; Joy is possible.  Nothing can ever separate us from God (Romans 8).

Always remember you are deeply loved, never alone and always treasured.  Everything here is temporary. 

DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, 

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

- Romans 15:13

In Love,

Lizarbug <3

Stealing the Joy of the Journey

Once upon a time, people decided that the best time to get engaged is right between the turkey feast in November and giant crystal ball dropping in NYC.  As tradition continues, one after another, my friends are getting engaged.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for all them ... but some days I can't help but feel left behind.

In high school, I refused to date because I wanted to date to marry.  I'd joke with my three sisters (two of which are older than me) that I would be the the first one to get married, but for the most part, I was hoping more than joking. While some girls want the big wedding day, I just wanted to be married.  I've had this desire in my heart for as long as I can remember: to be married and be a mom.

Since high school, I have been in three relationships. Following decisions to go our own ways, they each ended up getting engaged to their next girlfriend. (One of my good guy friends joked the other day that he should date me so her can meet his future wife sooner.)  Please don't get me wrong; I AM happy for them.  I'm glad they found women they want to spend forever with, but seeing my ex-boyfriends all engaged right now is HARD. 

It makes me question where I am, why we ended things and what's wrong with me.

 

And comparing ourselves to others is never a good idea.

The very first murder came from comparison.

(Genesis 4: 2b-5, 8)

"Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil.  In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.  But Abel bought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock.  The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. (...) Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field."  And while they were in the field, Cain  attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

And remember the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors?

(Genesis Chapter 37:3)

"Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him."

As the story continues, Joseph's brothers plot to kill him and eventually sell Joseph into slavery because of their jealousy.

It's a simple pattern that has repeated itself all through history and continues today.

Comparison leads to Discontent,

Discontent leads to Jealousy

And Jealousy can lead to Sin.

I can't help but believe that that's why God wants us to stop at the first step, comparison, so we don't get caught in the slippery slope.

Let everyone be sure that he is doing his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work well done and won't need to compare himself with someone else.     (Galatians 6:4)

Jesus was not married and had no children to call him daddy, and yet he loved better than anyone else.  Mother Teresa was not married and never gave birth to a child of her own, and yet she impacted and loved so many people. 

I want to love people better. 

I want to make an impact.

And I want to be married and have children...If that's where God leads me in the future.

Right now though, I am not in a season of engagement. Right now I am in a season of change and travel. After graduation in May, I will be leaving the country in mid June to be an IFYE ambassador to Europe.  I don't know where I'm going to stay yet or who I'm going to meet, but I know that this is where I'm supposed to be headed. 

This is my path.  It may not look like my friends. It may lead to years of singleness.  It may end up being lonely at times, but I will be patient and I will wait because God's got a plan that is much better for me than the fairytale I've created in my head.

I will WAIT and strive to be content with my relationship status, for there is a time for everything.  I will wait, but not on God to show up. I will wait with God, for God's perfect timing.

Psalm 130:5-6

 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Shackled to Surrender

Age of the Kings - North Point Community Church

I love the messages at North Point Community Church, hence why I found myself listening to two of their online sermons today. If you want to check them out for yourself, you can find the sermon series "Age of Kings" here! Here's where my heart led after watching Part One - Resistance is Futile. (This was not the same direction Andy Stanley took, so feel free to check them both out!)

Every time I hear someone preach about the bible, I get more excited about it. I know that it's living and moving, but today I learned more about how powerful the history side of it can be. Andy Stanley explained that history buffs should love the bible, especially 1-2 Samuel, Kings and Chronicles. Call me slow, but I didn't realize that these three books were talking about the same time period through different perspectives. As Andy explained though, these 6 books tell the story of the Kings of Israel and provide insight into our own hearts.

In 1 Samuel, you start to see history unravel when the people of Israel go to Samuel, and ask for a king. Up until this point, they had no king ruling over all of Israel. They instead followed (or attempted to follow) the commandments and God was their king, but 8:4 says that the people same to Samuel and said "You are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have." This broke Samuel’s heart. Everybody else had a king, and they wanted to be like everybody else, even though they were favored.

So Samuel went to God and this is what he heard:

“Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. ⁸ As they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you. ⁹ Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will claim as his rights.”
(1 Samuel 8:7-9)

When he went back to the group and told them

“This is what the king who will reign over you will claim as his rights: He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots and horses, and they will run in front of his chariots. ¹² Some he will assign to be commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and others to plow his ground and reap his harvest, and still others to make weapons of war and equipment for his chariots. ¹³ He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. ¹⁴ He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his attendants. ¹⁵ He will take a tenth of your grain and of your vintage and give it to his officials and attendants. ¹⁶ Your male and female servants and the best of your cattle and donkeys he will take for his own use. ¹⁷ He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves. ¹⁸ When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”
(1 Samuel 8:11-18)

Wow. Why would anyone choose to be ruled by a dictator? Especially those who had been ruled before. These were the decedents of the people that had been led out of Egypt and slavery under pharaoh, and yet, they wanted a human king to rule over them.

¹⁹ But the people refused to listen to Samuel. “No!” they said. “We want a king over us. ²⁰ Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles.” ²¹ When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord. ²² The Lord answered, “Listen to them and give them a king.”
(1 Samuel 8:19-22)

Looking back now, it's easy to say "Wow. That was a dumb move." Why would anyone ever want to make an imperfect man king?... especially when they have a perfect God who knows them so deeply that they can't understand the lengths He's willing to go to in order to bring the best to His children who desires to be the king of their lives? Yes, Samuel anointed Saul as king and the chain of command was passed down from Saul to David to Solomon and without them we would not have Psalms, Proverbs and The Song of Songs, but each of these men fell short of the glory of God because they were human. After the reign of Solomon, the kingdom split and continued to crumble.

But isn't this an example of what we're doing right now?

Think about what your heart. Where do you spend your time, your talent and your treasures? If your heart is the "wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23), where you place your heart matters. Who you let rule over your life makes a huge difference in the course of your life. Samuel tried to warn the people that they would become slaves to this king, but they didn't care. They just wanted to be like everybody else.

When you give someone the power to be king, you give up that power over your life, a power that humans will eventually abuse and misuse. When you give in to an addiction like alcohol, food, porn, drugs, body image, relationships, power, popularity, money, etc. you lose control and become a slave to that object/activity whether you notice it or not. You serve that "thing" instead of God because you cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).

But serving God is different than serving anything else. Serving God is choosing the light yoke, a yoke that He bears the weight in and you get to learn from the big guy that already knows everything (pretty cool huh?). Serving God is freedom. You get to lose the chains of sin and death when you are clothed with righteousness that comes from just accepting a gift that is completely free to you but came at such a high price. You get to lose the burden of working out your salvation because God has done that for you. No matter what you do, God could never love you more, and No matter what you have done, are doing and will do, God will NEVER love you less.

God created us to want to follow; that's why so many people look to others to show them what to do. In the bible, we are referred to as sheep, something that I've never really liked because of one bad lamb experience many years ago, but something I've learned to take pride in lately because I am loved by my king, my shepherd.

I belong to him ...." the One who created me. The One who loves me. The One who died for me. He will never lead me off a cliff or feed me to the wolves who stand back and wait for the moment I step out of the herd. No, they cannot devour me because my Shepherd guards, protects. He sees the path ahead. He might not show me the final destination... because He wants to enjoy the journey with me. He wants me to rest in "green pastures" and soak up the "quiet waters"... "He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake." He and I will go through valleys - dark ones where death surrounds us - but He won't lose me in there. I will "fear no evil" when I am with Him. Because everything about Him - like His rod and His staff, which are sometimes all I can see when His face is turned - gives me great comfort. He anoints me and He blesses me with an "overflowing cup." - Krissi (from Psalm 23)

God's got sweet sweet sweet plans for your life but He's not going to make you follow him.  If He did, it wouldn't be real love; it would be slavery.  But why would you want to rebel from the only one that truly has your best interest in His mind and his heart? 

We can not win this fight inside out rebel hearts so raise the white flag and surrender. Love has already won.

God's Will

Psalm 18

⁶ In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³ The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.^[d]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. 

For weeks now, I have been camping out in Psalm 18, because it just blows my mind.  This image of how much God cares about his children is overwhelming.  Over and over, this passage has brought me to my knees, unable to stand because He loves me so much!

In the past, when I've been hurt, I've had this image of a stand-off God; one that knows what's going on but doesn't seem to do anything.  I know that this comes from years of waiting for God to do what I wanted him to do.  It wasn't until recently that I finally started to grasp at the idea of God's Will.  God's Will isn't God carrying out my plans.  It's a much greater plan that I could even fathom. 

Kelly <3

When my best friend died 3 years ago, I hit an all-time low.  I went crazy with my "whys" because I just couldn't grasp why God would take her from me.  I felt alone in crowded rooms, overwhelmed with pain & grief, and angry beyond comparison at the people who seemed to be moving on while I refused to move the roots that I'd buried in the land of hurt and depression.  I tried to run from God, deny His existence, and hurt Him by hurting myself and those around me with my decisions.

In the back of my mind though, I'd tell myself that "if I just knew why....", I would be able to move on.  Honestly though, there is no way I will truly ever understand why my Kell Bell isn't meeting me for a movie at the drive in, going on road trips and getting tanned while I burn this summer.  As smart as I'd like to think I am, I will never be able to understand.  I can't understand God's plan.  I can't understand what has happened, what is happening or what is going to happen.  Even if He came down from heaven tonight and whispered in my ear his plans, I could not comprehend them BECAUSE I AM NOT GOD.

See, the major difference between God's will and my will is the word in front of will.  If we could fully understand God though, what would be the point in following him? People do not follow those who know the exact same things as them. There would be no reason to seek out a God if we ourselves knew enough to be considered on an equal playing field as God. 

In Ephesians 3, Paul prayed saying "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God" (verse 19).  Paul knew that these people, like me, would never fully understand God, but that we would be able to experience glimpses into His love for us.  It's those glimpses of his love that remind me to fight when I am having a bad day because I have a purpose.  It's God's will for me to be here 'til He calls me home.

Yes, I am ready to go to heaven.  I long to be home with God someday, in a place where I know I will finally feel like I belong, but it's not my time yet.  God has a plan, and a perfect plan at that for my life.  I don't know what it is, where it will take me or when I'll see the next move I'm supposed to take, but I do know that I want to walk in His will.  I want to be bold.  I want to risk it all and loose it all for a purpose far greater than anything I could cook up on my own. 

Daddy God, I want to be used for your will and your plans for your kingdom.

Commission My Sould O Lord and give me my purpose in Your will.