A Lonely Faith

I grew up in a "Christian Town". 

There are over a half dozen churches for a population of under 600 people. 
We still have "Christmas Break" not Winter break or Holiday break.
The local stores are closed on Sundays. 
We have baccalaureate services in the school and two church dinners for the graduating seniors.
We say God Bless and Praying for you without thinking that someone may be offended by it.

I have never felt like I've been looked down on because of my faith when I am at home.

Yes, I know that there are people in my hometown that don't believe in Daddy God, but I don't remember ever feeling like I was the only Christian around.  I continued to feel connected when I went to college, and as I've traveled in N. Ireland, England, New Zealand and even in Japan.

But not now.

Norway, this truly wonderful place that I DO love is.....................a word that I can not come up with.  (The lack of the right English word seems to be fairly common these days.)

With a national church, singing prayers in the elementary school, and a "socially mandatory" tradition of 15 year olds going through confirmation, Norway appears, and most Norwegians would say that it is, a Christian nation and yet, I have found it hard to find people that believe that God exists; and even harder to find someone who believes He is the God with the character that I have come to know.

And this is really hard for me.

My friend was writing a paper about heaven and hell and mentioned that it would be crazy if someone actually believed in hell.  She was fascinated when I told her that I did, and I was shocked when she told me I was the first person she'd met that does.  She went on to explain that the practice of confirmation is a "right of passage" here, not a public display of faith.

At 15 years of age, the majority of the Norwegian population is "confirmed".  While my friend went through the "Human-Etisk Forbund", the secular alternative, the majority of students still choose confirmation in the church because of tradition.  Whether it is their own desire to continue the tradition or pressure from those closest to them, the decision to be confirmed doesn't appear to be linked to a belief in Christ at all.

And one woman described the national church to me as a security blanket.  Part of the tax revenue goes to the churches but even the people who don't believe in God don't tend to complain about it.  People can only be buried at the church and the priest will come if there is anything wrong so you know you're not alone.  This makes the Church look like a safe place but not because the church family or a loving Daddy God, but because of the structure and regulations that surround it.  As a firm believer that the church is the body not the building, this idea baffles me.

So I struggle to fit in here. 

Maybe it's part of the Norwegian culture that has kept me from meeting more Christians.  It's not common for them to open up about what they believe or to talk about God.  In fact, it's not really common to talk or even smile at people that you don't know..... which I have also struggled with.  But here I feel lonely.

So although I love parts of this culture like the strong family bonds, and the "outdoors-y" attitude that seems to be ingrained in every person I meet, I think I would have a really hard time living here full time/long term. 

But maybe that's why I am supposed to be here in this season.
- to show that love
- to learn how it feels when to be physically apart from a community of faith
- to be reminded that I am not in control
- to struggle and wrestle with things that will force me to grow


I don't know His plans, but I know He's got plans <3

All the Wrong Reasons

I struggle with working.

Growing up on a farm, I have been blessed with a good work ethic.  I know the importance of taking care of the critters regardless of the time of day, weather conditions, or other activities that beg for my attention.  It's something that has helped me secure countless jobs that in all honesty, I was not even qualified to apply for.  Being willing to work hard often trumps having previous knowledge or experience if you are teachable.  While I am grateful for this, I've found that it has helped to shape a false sense of self worth and a people pleasing mentality.

While on this exchange in Europe, time and time again I have found myself trying to "earn my keep".  Whenever I get to a new host family, I immediately want to help, which is great!  It allows me to be with the family and become like one of the children.  It also lets me experience "real life" instead of being like a guest.  Often, it is even something that I actually enjoy doing like splitting firewood, feeding the baby calves or baking bread for the family.

But, at times, I confuse the value of what I'm able to do to help out on the farm with my value as a person.

It isn't anything new though.  When I was helping with a small church my college town, I kept on taking on more and more responsibilities as they needed more help.  In response, I felt more valued the more I took on.  It wasn't until I took a step back, that I was able to see how wrong I was.

So what did I do?  I had to stop.

Stop volunteering.

Stop working so hard.

Stop trying to impress others.

Stop working for my worth.

I went from working with a church 8-10 hours a week to merely going to my new church's morning service and being part of the family....for almost 3 months. The enemy kept nagging at me with guilt, for not working hard enough and being lazy, but I knew it was what I needed to do to remember where my worth comes from.

 

Daddy God doesn't need me to work.  He doesn't need my intervention at all.  He can part might rivers, build mountains, program the neurological connections inside the human brain, paint the sky with a beautiful sunsets and still have time to listen to my prayers about the smallest things.  No, He doesn't need me.  But yet, He created me.

 

In a world that is constantly objectifying people on a daily basis, judging them on their ability to generate productivity, new ideas, and bottom-line results, it is easy to miss our own true value.

I might be wrong, but I think it's the root of addictions.  When we don't know how much we are valued and loved, we try whatever we can to find that temporary fix for that massive hole.

Recognition/Awards

Alcohol

Food

Drugs

Money

Sex

Working out

Self Mutilation

And the list goes on and on.....

So today, when I found myself working feverishly to try to "earn my keep", I had to take a step back and reset my thinking.

I am not working because it will make them love me.

I am working because I love the people that I'm helping.  I appreciate them taking me into their homes and letting me be a part of their families.  I want to show them love because I know love.  I want them to look at me and see Abba's love.

I have already been shown perfect love and even when I don't feel loved, I am being smothered with it.  I don't need anyone else to love me.  My Daddy God has never forgotten about me.  He loves me perfectly, constantly and forever more.

Someday, I will get to be in heaven with Him; I long for that day. But today, I love the one who loves me from this side of the heaven.  I love those who I have been blessed to be surrounded by, but I will not work to make them love me back.

 

Colossians 3

22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 

 

Song of the Day: Identity - Kutless

 

 

GRACE UNPLUGGED

He Saved Others

Luke 23

³² Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. ³³ When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. ³⁴ Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

³⁵ The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.”
³⁶ The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar ³⁷ and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.”
³⁸ There was a written notice above him, which read: this is the king of the jews.
³⁹ One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”
⁴⁰ But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹ We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”
⁴² Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”
⁴³ Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Last Sunday, I had the chance to go to church with one of my host families over here in Northern Ireland.  The Scotchman who was preaching that morning spoke about this passage, focusing on HE SAVED OTHERS, breaking it down with the emphasis on each word.  Since then, this passage has been just soaking in to my heart deeper and deeper.

People often say things like "How could God let that happen?"  I know I've done it.  When young people die, when natural disasters destroy a city, when a momma loses a baby... all these situations pull at our hearts and leave us perplexed about how a loving God could miss changing these situations.

When things like this happen, I am heart broken like the rest of the community, but I have to hold on to the truth.

I will never be able to understand the mind of God (1 Corinthians 2:16)
For what he does I can NOT comprehend because we do not think the same (1 Timothy 55:8)
But He is good (Romans 8:28)

I know that I, just like everyone else, mess up. (Romans 3:23)
If punished justly, I would have no chance of getting into heaven because of what I've done. (Romans 6:23)
I can't work hard enough, or stay good enough to make it to heaven on my own because Jesus is the only way (John 14:6)
But I have a second chance because Daddy God loved me enough to give up his son. (John 3:16)
And through his blameless life, undeserving death and coming back to life, Jesus beat death. (1 John 2:2)
So when I feel out of place I know it's that longing to go home (2 Corinthians 5:1-2 )


So I choose Jesus.  I choose Him because nothing else will ever save me, nothing else can ever comfort me and nothing else can ever fill me.  We are broken and empty.  That constant feeling of needing something more isn't just by chance.  It's this hole because we are incomplete until we are back home.

He saves others, not I save others
He saves others, not partially fixes and then forgets
He saves others, not he saves Himself, because He loves us that much.

Traveling Takes Me Back

A few years ago now, I went to New Zealand and it changed my life drastically.  It changed the way I treated those I loved, those I didn't love and myself.  And all of this happened because I discovered how much I was/am/always will be loved by the Father.  Looking back now, I know that's one of the reasons why I will always love New Zealand to bits, because aside from the welcoming community and the gorgeous countryside,  it really did shape my identity. 

Now, after being back two years, the freshness of that revelation has been hidden not because it is any less true, but because like precious silver, if not polished, it will begin to look tarnished. 

But traveling always helps me remember how big God really is.

His fingerprints are everywhere.

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.
- Colossians 1:16

In the relationships around me.

In the English countryside.

In the beauty of the sunrises and sunsets.

In my quiet times when I find a gem that speaks to my heart.

In the voice on the radio.

In my conversations with people about what I believe.

Yes, traveling takes me out of my comfort zone.  It takes me out of my normal group of people and from the people who agree with me.

But traveling reminds me why I love Jesus.

I love Him not out of obligation or condemnation.  I love Him because I've realized I am loved.

I go to church not because I believe that it is a required step to get to heaven, but because I love the community and know accountability is key.

I choose to share about what I believe in not because I want to force it down anyone's throat but because I've seen peoples lives be rocked when they let Him in.

I love traveling because it reminds me how fast everything I know on this earth can be gone in the blink of an eye, because everything is temporary outside of heaven.

When nothing else is constant, always moving from place to place, Daddy God is.

The best place to find yourself in my opinion will always be where nobody knows your background.  At this point, you get to discover your deepest self. 
When you strip away your mistakes and accomplishments,
the labels and titles,
the treasures and the struggles,
there at the core,
that's Jesus. 

Created in his image, a snap shot of the characteristics of God is embedded in our innermost being. 

So today, I am thankful for being able to travel, to be able to step out of the routine and be reminded of how much I am loved with a deeper understanding of Daddy God.

Send Me

I am nervous.

Since last Thanksgiving, I have been a part of an amazing family at Mill City Church. 

I found a Jesus Church, one that truly has it's heart aligned with God's heart.
 
When making decisions about the church, if it doesn't bring people closer to God and build community, they don't do it. 

And although they are nestled in a CSU building, they are not just a "College Church", but a family church that values all generations and works to bridge the gaps. 

The church family focuses on helping to build relationships and grow with God, as shown in their encouragement to join a small group, a place where I've seen growth, challenge, raw truth, and floods of support.

At Mill City, the church leads by example, giving 10% of the annual income to other ministries, and yet they aren't a money grabbing organization.  Here, giving is an act of worship, not something that people are guilted or shamed into doing.

At my church, they pray for and with each other because we believe in the power of prayer.  We serve a great king, but He's also a perfect daddy.

They value differences here.  At Mill City, they recognize that the body doesn't need 16 feet and no ears.  Instead of trying to make everyone a "cookie cutter" church member, you'll see them embracing individual talents and interests, welcoming diversity and the beauty of being unique.

Mill City is a bible-based church that believes in honoring God the father, Jesus and the Holy ghost.  I love this church... My Church.

But this Friday, I leave Colorado and head to Europe. 

While there, I will be living with wonderful families that have willingly opened up their homes to me, a complete stranger.  I am so grateful for their hospitality, but I know this will be a major change.

 

For the past four years, I have been rooted in Fort Collins, aside from a six month study abroad in New Zealand (where I also found community after a few months).  I have built a community of friends, family and support that has been both life sustaining and enriching.

As I hop around Europe as an IFYE for the next 6 months, I will likely be spending somewhere between four days and two weeks with each host family.  I love that I will be able to get to know so many people because of my constant movement, but their is still that hint of fear that I will not have a stable community.

A few months ago, when I was trying to decide to apply or not, I talked about this with a couple that I deeply respect and admire to which they responded "What if this is preparing you for something bigger?"  Over the past few years I have seen first hand that I am more pliable to God when I'm out of my comfort zone and away from my normal group.

So Daddy God, use this experience and use me.

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.” - Isaiah 6:8

The Journey to Joy

I am genuinely happy.  

Life is not perfect and I'm far from where I thought I would be, but my joyfulness often bubbles out uncontrollably. It's hard to contain.

But it hasn't always been that way. 

There is no secret recipe or a one time fix to suddenly be happy.  The path to joy will likely be different for everyone, but here's my journey.

A few years ago, I found myself in yet another season of constant sadness.  I'd been through the wringer, but even when life was going along beautiful,  I couldn't shake the feeling of worthlessness and being chronically sad.  I was overwhelmed with a heaviness that took it's toll on me, which in turn encouraged me to treat people poorly...... or just pretend that everything was okay.  Both responses made it hard for people to want to be around me.  My depression led to loneliness, which made me more sad, which made me more lonely and more sad.  It was a vicious cycle.

When I got to college, I reached my breaking point; I decided to see the doctor about it.  After being diagnosed with depression and PTSD, I made the decision not to take any medication (which may not be the best choice for everyone) but also not to stay where I was.  I had to make a change.

For me, depression had become an addiction.  I wallowed in it even when I felt good because it was familiar and yet, I wouldn't admit that it had a grip on my life. I was unwilling to give up the familiarity to find joy.

In John 5, Jesus shows up at the pool of Bethesda  (If you haven't read it, check it out!), and says to a man who has been ill for decades, "Do you want to be healed?" (v. 6)

When I decided that I wanted something else, I caught a glimpse of what God had been doing in my heart.  It was not in his design for me to be engulfed in sadness.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

-Zephaniah 3:17

From there, I started taking steps to walk in freedom.

***** Prayer Time

Talking to Daddy God is now one of my favorite things to do everyday because;
-He's doesn't have "store hours" so I can call Him any time
-He understands me even when I can't find the words (Psalm 139:4)
-It lets me give someone else my worries and hurts
-It builds our relationship

My prayer time has changed pretty drastically.  It's not boxed in to a few minutes a day when I have the right words and can close my eyes without getting distracted.  It's the time when I'm riding the bike at the gym, while I'm walking around campus, at 5 am prayer meetings, when I see something beautiful, when I see someone hurting, when I'm mad/sad/happy/thankful/bored/feeling any emotion, in corporate/solitary settings, etc.  Prayer time has become any moment that I want to talk to my Daddy God.

*****Research

I've been listening to and speaking lies into my own life, so I had a lot of unlearning to do.  I started reading my bible and listening to sermons to find out the truth.  I'm learning who I am, my identity in Christ, and who God is, both of which will rock your life.  You'll start seeing yourself and others the way that God sees them which in turn changes interactions and hearts.

*****Turn Out (Isaiah 58:10)

On my bad days, I've found that serving others is a great way to put things back into perspective.  My depression caused me to turn in and sulk about what was going on with me, me, me, me, me.  Serving on the other hand, brought the big picture back into sight and gave me a short term purpose.

But just look at Jesus's life.  His life was about serving and working for others.  The bible instructs us to serve.  Don't believe me? Check out these verses.

*****Thankfulness

Be thankful always.....

-Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

-Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.  And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:17-21)

-Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
    make known his deeds among the peoples!
² Sing to him, sing praises to him;
    tell of all his wondrous works!
³ Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
⁴ Seek the Lord and his strength;
    seek his presence continually!
⁵ Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
⁶ O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
    children of Jacob, his chosen ones! (Psalm 105:1-6)

Sometimes I need to be reminded that although there's crap going on around me, it's not all bad.  While I'd love to take credit for this idea, it's not a new one.  In the movie Pollyanna, the young girl teaches people to plays The Glad Game.  In White Christmas, Bing Crosby sings about counting his blessings. There's something heart changing about seeing the good.  When I'm having a bad day, I'll have a friend hold me accountable for being thankful by sending them texts all day about what I'm thankful for.

*****Focus

You have to focus on the right things.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:4-8

*****Community

When a person is depressed, it's really dangerous for them to be alone.  Even when I don't feel like being around people, I try not to let myself retreat to be by myself for very long.  Over the past few years, I've put in the effort to build friendships because I know that we're not supposed to be alone (John 15, Ecclesiastes 4, Galatians 6:2, etc.)  I now have friends who recognize when I'm struggling and will call me out on it.  I talk to my family and have stopped church hopping so I can have a church family.  I'm in a small group, and put out effort to meet with people regularly.  I also don't live by myself because I don't want to allow myself the opportunity to slip back into my own little world.

Depression is hard whether it's a chronic pattern that just won't go away or a deep sadness that just showed up because of a recent event.  Being joyful doesn't always happen over night, but don't loose hope; Joy is possible.  Nothing can ever separate us from God (Romans 8).

Always remember you are deeply loved, never alone and always treasured.  Everything here is temporary. 

DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, 

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

- Romans 15:13

In Love,

Lizarbug <3