Selective Will

Today starts the 21 days of prayer and fasting with my church.

So I started it off with tea, prayer, worship and Andy Stanley.

And now I am scared because I am being challenged.  Again.

Andy Stanley has a way of speaking truth that always brings me to question what I'm doing, persuades me to move, and pushes me to grow.

In Matthew 6 and Luke 11, Jesus teaches his people how to pray.

He says....

This, then, is how you should pray:

Our Father in Heaven,
Hollowed be your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us out debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
 (  Matthew 6:9-11 NIV)

It's easy enough to say, and not a hard task to remember a few words, broken down in simple phrases that rhythmically flow together.

But it is a frightening and bold prayer.

Your will be done.

Your will when it's not easy.
Your will when it's not popular.
Your will when it's not what I have planned.
Your will.
Not mine.

How can this not challenge what I am doing?

As an American, I pride myself in freedom.
Freedom to control my own life.
I like control.

But here, Jesus is saying to pray

"God, I surrender that control so that your will can take over."

Sometimes I try to fool myself into making my plans God's will.

Here God.
Here's the two choice I have narrowed it down to.
Which one do you want me to do, you know, because you're in control?

Or how about this mental conversation;

Hey Daddy God.
I've looked at these choices and decided none of them are against you.  
Now I'm going to pick the one that I like best, the easiest one or the most popular one.

As much as I try to fool myself into thinking that is the way God's will works, it's really not.
And I KNOW that.

Check out the story about Ahab (King of Israel), Jehoshaphat (King of Judah) and Micaiah (a prophet) in 1 Kings 22.

Here's my abbreviated version.
Ahab wants to go to war and asks Jehoshaphat to come with him.
Jehoshaphat says, "did you consult God about this?"
Ahab then gathers together a group of 400 prophets and says "We should do this, right?"
Everyone in the group agrees that they should go to battle.
Jehoshaphat says, "Is there anyone else we should ask?"
Ahab admits there is this guy Micaiah, but this prophet never says what he wants him to so he wasn't invited.
A messenger goes and gets Micaiah.
Micaiah is told to say what Ahab wants him to so he does.
When Ahab tells Micaiah to speak the truth, he foretells the death of the king if he goes into battle.
The King gets mad and sends him to prison until he returns from battle.
Ahab goes to battle, disguised, and still dies, like Micaiah said he would.

Sound familiar?

We often ask people for advice when we know that they will agree with us.
We don't ask the people that will challenge us.

And I find that I do the same thing with God.
I give him options, but leave out options that I don't want.

And I know that's not trusting in God's will.
Daddy God isn't meant to be put in a box,
restricted (even only if it's in my mind)
 from His bigger and better plan.

So this is what I'm going to be working on.  And it's scary.

Resolving to Change...

With just a few hours left in 2013, I feel like I need to my some resolutions.

And make them public, because I'm a lot more likely to stick to them if I do.

So this year, I will be:

- Learning to love myself better.
 It's time to be a better friend of to myself because I'm going to be stuck with me forever.  A self defeating attitude isn't good for anyone.  Here's my new rule: If I wouldn't say it about someone else, I shouldn't say it about myself. 

- Staying connected to my sisters.
For the past couple years, when someone is over seas, we've been doing sister emails.  We send each other updates on what's going on in our lives and it helps us not feel so far apart.  I think it's important even when we are all state side.  I will be sending out my "sister mail" twice a month.

- Admit when I need help.
I'm really good at asking questions to understand things better but the idea of asking for help is still hard.  So when I'm having a really bad day, I'm going to tell someone.  When I need assistance, I'm going to ask for it.  No more of this "I can do everything by myself attitude".  I was made for community.

-Take a picture everyday
I sometimes find myself going through the motions, waiting for the next big thing to happen, and end up missing the present.  I know my sister would say I should just "be there", but I want to document a year in my life with a daily picture and then make a book out of it.  With every picture, I will also have something that I am thankful for that day.  I think it's going to be a cool project to help capture the beauty around me, in my home country.

-Get healthy
While this may be on most peoples lists, this year is going to be the year that this really happens for me.  I have a buddy, a realistic goal and a timeline.  When I started this quest on Dec 22, I weighed 196 pounds.  By my 23 birthday, I want to be back down to 160, be able to run a few miles and feel strong.  It's do-able.  Along with getting to a healthy size, I also want to work on having a better relationship with food. I am really going to focus on breaking my emotional eating habit.  I want to start eating mindfully by not eating while doing other things, and truly enjoying the taste of food again.  Quality over quantity.

-Live with less
I don't know quite how much less I want to live with, but I am already a trunk load down.  For the past 6 months I have been living off the things that I could stuff in my hiking bag and found that I still didn't need everything I brought, so this year, I am asking myself these questions:

-Do I really need to buy this or do I just want more stuff?

-If I buy this, what am I going to get rid of?

-Does someone else need this thing that I'm not using?

-Tell the truth

Little lies turn into bigger lies and then can become toxic.

So this year I am going to work on: not exaggerating stories, admitting when I don't know the answer, being upfront (but still kind) and being true to myself.  For example;  if someone asks me on a date and I don't want to go, I'm not going to string him along.  By being fully truthful, I think I will not only build stronger relationships, but I will be able to chisel out a truer version of myself.

So there it is.  Here's to a new year full of love, laughter and a little bit of crazies.