MARCH

March is Hard.

It's the month when I realized what death was.
One of my good friends' older brother died in a car accident on his way into youth group a decade ago.

I remember crying my eyes out even though he wasn't really my friend.
I could see how it affected my sister.
And in my mind, I'd imagined how hurt my friend was and how horrible my Sunday-School teacher and her husband had to be doing.

Being just a young kid, I didn't know him that well, but I remember Kevin.
I remember him giving us a 4-H demonstration about how to make your own ammunition during tour.
I remember his voice, his laugh and his smile.
I remember him melting the crayons as we waited for our food after a day at the stock show.

And I remember what his face looked like when we went to the church for the visitation.
It was green and caked with make-up, but it was him.  He was really gone.


I remember everything about his funeral.
I remember what his friends got up and talked about.
I remember where I sat.
I remember eating as a community afterwards.

I remember thinking this is the worst thing ever and hoping it would never happen again.

But it did and it will keep happening because death is part of life.

Fast forward to 2009, a couple months before graduation.

March 1
 I had a huge paper due the next day so I couldn't go watch my girls with my best friend while their parents were out bowling. But she sent me a text message that I remember to this day. "Where are the scissors?"  Simple question.... yes.  But the story behind it makes me smile.  She was giving the kids popsicles and then couldn't get them open.  She didn't want to ask their parents because the girls maybe shouldn't have frozen sugar right before bed.

I called and gave her crap for trying to bribe her way into the favorite babysitter spot and told her where they were.

We chatted for a few minutes, said I love you, and hung up.

That was the last time I talked to my best friend.

March 5
It was Thursday. I was on the bus, heading south for regional basketball when I got a message saying they were flying Kelly flight for life because she couldn't breathe.  I had just talked to her a few days ago.  This couldn't be happening.  Having nobody else on the bus that really knew her, I went to the assistant basketball coach crying.  He prayed with me.

For the next week, I would text her brother or mom for updates on how she was doing several times a day. She was in the ICU but she'd made it past the window where they thought she might not make it.  She was young and athletic.  Pneumonia didn't have anything on her.  I didn't see it as scary anymore because I thought she was just in the ICU so she could heal faster.  She was going to be okay.

March 12
My basketball team had qualified for state so again we were travelling down south, this time to CSU Pueblo.  We played our game and then went to our hotel.  I was still kind of an "outsider" because I had transferred into this school so I got my own area with my own TV.  Coach told us to turn off the cell phones and focus on basketball so I did.  I couldn't sleep so I laid there watching one of the longest ever college basketball games, Syracuse vs. the  Huskies.  It went into 6 overtimes but I still couldn't sleep.  Something was wrong.

Then I got a knock at the door.  It was my coach and his wife.

Don't say it. DO. NOT. SAY. IT.
"Liza, your mom called.  I'm so sorry.... Kelly passed away."

I collapsed.  I had known what he was going to say before the words came from his mouth.

I just started wailing uncontrollably.

No.  The Doctors had said she had made it though.  She was going to be okay.

My best friend couldn't be gone.  It was impossible.

I called my sister in Kansas where it turns out she had been responsible for telling Kelly's big brother that his baby sister was gone.

We bawled.

My mom offered to come and get me but I couldn't go.

Here I was lonely because nobody knew her like me.
There I would have had to face the truth that she was gone.

So I stayed.  I was pretty worthless but I stayed.

And you know what I remember from the rest of State Basketball?

I remember getting calls from her ex boyfriends, the string of guys in my phone named (Insert Name) Kelly's.   These guys were ones that at some point in their relationship, I had probably threatened to beat up if they ever hurt her.  They were calling me for answers about a situation that I will never understand.

I remember going into the game and getting matched up man to man defence with a girl who wore the same number as my best friend.  I almost started bawling again.

I know we won something (because my sister took a picture of it) but I couldn't tell you what place.  I didn't even care.

What I cared about was looking up and seeing my sisters.  I wanted to hug them and cry with them.  And I did the whole way back to my parent's house.

When I got into town, I went to where the family was gathering, the family that had adopted me years ago.  I couldn't hardly stand looking around and seeing all those people who reminded me so much of her and not being able to find my favorite.  But we hugged and we cried.

From there it gets really foggy. 

I don't remember doing much.

When I was awake, I was crying.  When I closed my eyes I had nightmares that left me with tear stained pillows and waking up to find out they were true.
 I went into her room and tried to soak up her smell and cuddled with her pillows imagining they were her.

The week of March 16th was my spring break, but I wouldn't have been able to go back even if it wasn't.  Her funeral was set for Thursday, March 19th.  Her Birthday was the next monday.

I had been invited to sit with her class, the people I'd gone to school with for 10 years before transferring, at the funeral.  Jess and I led the class in to our seats. Somehow we made it through her funeral, a gym packed full of people whose lives she'd touched with a smile, a hug, a friendship or just a dorky comment.

Then we made it through her 18th birthday

Then through the next couple years in zombie mode.

I was pissed off at God.
I couldn't stand being around people who had friends.
I refused to make friends because I thought they might die.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression.
I got mad at people who were moving on with their lives.
I was terrified that I would forget.
I kept having nightmares.
I made poor choices out of anger and loneliness.
I felt guilty for still being here when she wasn't.


It took a long time and a lot of people to help me work through some of these things.  Five years later, I still struggle with them from time to time, especially when March comes around again.

March is Hard.  But God is Bigger.

And He never has nor ever will leave me.

Miss You Kell Bell <3

God's Will

Psalm 18

⁶ In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³ The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.^[d]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me. 

For weeks now, I have been camping out in Psalm 18, because it just blows my mind.  This image of how much God cares about his children is overwhelming.  Over and over, this passage has brought me to my knees, unable to stand because He loves me so much!

In the past, when I've been hurt, I've had this image of a stand-off God; one that knows what's going on but doesn't seem to do anything.  I know that this comes from years of waiting for God to do what I wanted him to do.  It wasn't until recently that I finally started to grasp at the idea of God's Will.  God's Will isn't God carrying out my plans.  It's a much greater plan that I could even fathom. 

Kelly <3

When my best friend died 3 years ago, I hit an all-time low.  I went crazy with my "whys" because I just couldn't grasp why God would take her from me.  I felt alone in crowded rooms, overwhelmed with pain & grief, and angry beyond comparison at the people who seemed to be moving on while I refused to move the roots that I'd buried in the land of hurt and depression.  I tried to run from God, deny His existence, and hurt Him by hurting myself and those around me with my decisions.

In the back of my mind though, I'd tell myself that "if I just knew why....", I would be able to move on.  Honestly though, there is no way I will truly ever understand why my Kell Bell isn't meeting me for a movie at the drive in, going on road trips and getting tanned while I burn this summer.  As smart as I'd like to think I am, I will never be able to understand.  I can't understand God's plan.  I can't understand what has happened, what is happening or what is going to happen.  Even if He came down from heaven tonight and whispered in my ear his plans, I could not comprehend them BECAUSE I AM NOT GOD.

See, the major difference between God's will and my will is the word in front of will.  If we could fully understand God though, what would be the point in following him? People do not follow those who know the exact same things as them. There would be no reason to seek out a God if we ourselves knew enough to be considered on an equal playing field as God. 

In Ephesians 3, Paul prayed saying "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God" (verse 19).  Paul knew that these people, like me, would never fully understand God, but that we would be able to experience glimpses into His love for us.  It's those glimpses of his love that remind me to fight when I am having a bad day because I have a purpose.  It's God's will for me to be here 'til He calls me home.

Yes, I am ready to go to heaven.  I long to be home with God someday, in a place where I know I will finally feel like I belong, but it's not my time yet.  God has a plan, and a perfect plan at that for my life.  I don't know what it is, where it will take me or when I'll see the next move I'm supposed to take, but I do know that I want to walk in His will.  I want to be bold.  I want to risk it all and loose it all for a purpose far greater than anything I could cook up on my own. 

Daddy God, I want to be used for your will and your plans for your kingdom.

Commission My Sould O Lord and give me my purpose in Your will.