Selective Will

Today starts the 21 days of prayer and fasting with my church.

So I started it off with tea, prayer, worship and Andy Stanley.

And now I am scared because I am being challenged.  Again.

Andy Stanley has a way of speaking truth that always brings me to question what I'm doing, persuades me to move, and pushes me to grow.

In Matthew 6 and Luke 11, Jesus teaches his people how to pray.

He says....

This, then, is how you should pray:

Our Father in Heaven,
Hollowed be your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us out debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
 (  Matthew 6:9-11 NIV)

It's easy enough to say, and not a hard task to remember a few words, broken down in simple phrases that rhythmically flow together.

But it is a frightening and bold prayer.

Your will be done.

Your will when it's not easy.
Your will when it's not popular.
Your will when it's not what I have planned.
Your will.
Not mine.

How can this not challenge what I am doing?

As an American, I pride myself in freedom.
Freedom to control my own life.
I like control.

But here, Jesus is saying to pray

"God, I surrender that control so that your will can take over."

Sometimes I try to fool myself into making my plans God's will.

Here God.
Here's the two choice I have narrowed it down to.
Which one do you want me to do, you know, because you're in control?

Or how about this mental conversation;

Hey Daddy God.
I've looked at these choices and decided none of them are against you.  
Now I'm going to pick the one that I like best, the easiest one or the most popular one.

As much as I try to fool myself into thinking that is the way God's will works, it's really not.
And I KNOW that.

Check out the story about Ahab (King of Israel), Jehoshaphat (King of Judah) and Micaiah (a prophet) in 1 Kings 22.

Here's my abbreviated version.
Ahab wants to go to war and asks Jehoshaphat to come with him.
Jehoshaphat says, "did you consult God about this?"
Ahab then gathers together a group of 400 prophets and says "We should do this, right?"
Everyone in the group agrees that they should go to battle.
Jehoshaphat says, "Is there anyone else we should ask?"
Ahab admits there is this guy Micaiah, but this prophet never says what he wants him to so he wasn't invited.
A messenger goes and gets Micaiah.
Micaiah is told to say what Ahab wants him to so he does.
When Ahab tells Micaiah to speak the truth, he foretells the death of the king if he goes into battle.
The King gets mad and sends him to prison until he returns from battle.
Ahab goes to battle, disguised, and still dies, like Micaiah said he would.

Sound familiar?

We often ask people for advice when we know that they will agree with us.
We don't ask the people that will challenge us.

And I find that I do the same thing with God.
I give him options, but leave out options that I don't want.

And I know that's not trusting in God's will.
Daddy God isn't meant to be put in a box,
restricted (even only if it's in my mind)
 from His bigger and better plan.

So this is what I'm going to be working on.  And it's scary.

Resolving to Change...

With just a few hours left in 2013, I feel like I need to my some resolutions.

And make them public, because I'm a lot more likely to stick to them if I do.

So this year, I will be:

- Learning to love myself better.
 It's time to be a better friend of to myself because I'm going to be stuck with me forever.  A self defeating attitude isn't good for anyone.  Here's my new rule: If I wouldn't say it about someone else, I shouldn't say it about myself. 

- Staying connected to my sisters.
For the past couple years, when someone is over seas, we've been doing sister emails.  We send each other updates on what's going on in our lives and it helps us not feel so far apart.  I think it's important even when we are all state side.  I will be sending out my "sister mail" twice a month.

- Admit when I need help.
I'm really good at asking questions to understand things better but the idea of asking for help is still hard.  So when I'm having a really bad day, I'm going to tell someone.  When I need assistance, I'm going to ask for it.  No more of this "I can do everything by myself attitude".  I was made for community.

-Take a picture everyday
I sometimes find myself going through the motions, waiting for the next big thing to happen, and end up missing the present.  I know my sister would say I should just "be there", but I want to document a year in my life with a daily picture and then make a book out of it.  With every picture, I will also have something that I am thankful for that day.  I think it's going to be a cool project to help capture the beauty around me, in my home country.

-Get healthy
While this may be on most peoples lists, this year is going to be the year that this really happens for me.  I have a buddy, a realistic goal and a timeline.  When I started this quest on Dec 22, I weighed 196 pounds.  By my 23 birthday, I want to be back down to 160, be able to run a few miles and feel strong.  It's do-able.  Along with getting to a healthy size, I also want to work on having a better relationship with food. I am really going to focus on breaking my emotional eating habit.  I want to start eating mindfully by not eating while doing other things, and truly enjoying the taste of food again.  Quality over quantity.

-Live with less
I don't know quite how much less I want to live with, but I am already a trunk load down.  For the past 6 months I have been living off the things that I could stuff in my hiking bag and found that I still didn't need everything I brought, so this year, I am asking myself these questions:

-Do I really need to buy this or do I just want more stuff?

-If I buy this, what am I going to get rid of?

-Does someone else need this thing that I'm not using?

-Tell the truth

Little lies turn into bigger lies and then can become toxic.

So this year I am going to work on: not exaggerating stories, admitting when I don't know the answer, being upfront (but still kind) and being true to myself.  For example;  if someone asks me on a date and I don't want to go, I'm not going to string him along.  By being fully truthful, I think I will not only build stronger relationships, but I will be able to chisel out a truer version of myself.

So there it is.  Here's to a new year full of love, laughter and a little bit of crazies.

A Lonely Faith

I grew up in a "Christian Town". 

There are over a half dozen churches for a population of under 600 people. 
We still have "Christmas Break" not Winter break or Holiday break.
The local stores are closed on Sundays. 
We have baccalaureate services in the school and two church dinners for the graduating seniors.
We say God Bless and Praying for you without thinking that someone may be offended by it.

I have never felt like I've been looked down on because of my faith when I am at home.

Yes, I know that there are people in my hometown that don't believe in Daddy God, but I don't remember ever feeling like I was the only Christian around.  I continued to feel connected when I went to college, and as I've traveled in N. Ireland, England, New Zealand and even in Japan.

But not now.

Norway, this truly wonderful place that I DO love is.....................a word that I can not come up with.  (The lack of the right English word seems to be fairly common these days.)

With a national church, singing prayers in the elementary school, and a "socially mandatory" tradition of 15 year olds going through confirmation, Norway appears, and most Norwegians would say that it is, a Christian nation and yet, I have found it hard to find people that believe that God exists; and even harder to find someone who believes He is the God with the character that I have come to know.

And this is really hard for me.

My friend was writing a paper about heaven and hell and mentioned that it would be crazy if someone actually believed in hell.  She was fascinated when I told her that I did, and I was shocked when she told me I was the first person she'd met that does.  She went on to explain that the practice of confirmation is a "right of passage" here, not a public display of faith.

At 15 years of age, the majority of the Norwegian population is "confirmed".  While my friend went through the "Human-Etisk Forbund", the secular alternative, the majority of students still choose confirmation in the church because of tradition.  Whether it is their own desire to continue the tradition or pressure from those closest to them, the decision to be confirmed doesn't appear to be linked to a belief in Christ at all.

And one woman described the national church to me as a security blanket.  Part of the tax revenue goes to the churches but even the people who don't believe in God don't tend to complain about it.  People can only be buried at the church and the priest will come if there is anything wrong so you know you're not alone.  This makes the Church look like a safe place but not because the church family or a loving Daddy God, but because of the structure and regulations that surround it.  As a firm believer that the church is the body not the building, this idea baffles me.

So I struggle to fit in here. 

Maybe it's part of the Norwegian culture that has kept me from meeting more Christians.  It's not common for them to open up about what they believe or to talk about God.  In fact, it's not really common to talk or even smile at people that you don't know..... which I have also struggled with.  But here I feel lonely.

So although I love parts of this culture like the strong family bonds, and the "outdoors-y" attitude that seems to be ingrained in every person I meet, I think I would have a really hard time living here full time/long term. 

But maybe that's why I am supposed to be here in this season.
- to show that love
- to learn how it feels when to be physically apart from a community of faith
- to be reminded that I am not in control
- to struggle and wrestle with things that will force me to grow


I don't know His plans, but I know He's got plans <3

All the Wrong Reasons

I struggle with working.

Growing up on a farm, I have been blessed with a good work ethic.  I know the importance of taking care of the critters regardless of the time of day, weather conditions, or other activities that beg for my attention.  It's something that has helped me secure countless jobs that in all honesty, I was not even qualified to apply for.  Being willing to work hard often trumps having previous knowledge or experience if you are teachable.  While I am grateful for this, I've found that it has helped to shape a false sense of self worth and a people pleasing mentality.

While on this exchange in Europe, time and time again I have found myself trying to "earn my keep".  Whenever I get to a new host family, I immediately want to help, which is great!  It allows me to be with the family and become like one of the children.  It also lets me experience "real life" instead of being like a guest.  Often, it is even something that I actually enjoy doing like splitting firewood, feeding the baby calves or baking bread for the family.

But, at times, I confuse the value of what I'm able to do to help out on the farm with my value as a person.

It isn't anything new though.  When I was helping with a small church my college town, I kept on taking on more and more responsibilities as they needed more help.  In response, I felt more valued the more I took on.  It wasn't until I took a step back, that I was able to see how wrong I was.

So what did I do?  I had to stop.

Stop volunteering.

Stop working so hard.

Stop trying to impress others.

Stop working for my worth.

I went from working with a church 8-10 hours a week to merely going to my new church's morning service and being part of the family....for almost 3 months. The enemy kept nagging at me with guilt, for not working hard enough and being lazy, but I knew it was what I needed to do to remember where my worth comes from.

 

Daddy God doesn't need me to work.  He doesn't need my intervention at all.  He can part might rivers, build mountains, program the neurological connections inside the human brain, paint the sky with a beautiful sunsets and still have time to listen to my prayers about the smallest things.  No, He doesn't need me.  But yet, He created me.

 

In a world that is constantly objectifying people on a daily basis, judging them on their ability to generate productivity, new ideas, and bottom-line results, it is easy to miss our own true value.

I might be wrong, but I think it's the root of addictions.  When we don't know how much we are valued and loved, we try whatever we can to find that temporary fix for that massive hole.

Recognition/Awards

Alcohol

Food

Drugs

Money

Sex

Working out

Self Mutilation

And the list goes on and on.....

So today, when I found myself working feverishly to try to "earn my keep", I had to take a step back and reset my thinking.

I am not working because it will make them love me.

I am working because I love the people that I'm helping.  I appreciate them taking me into their homes and letting me be a part of their families.  I want to show them love because I know love.  I want them to look at me and see Abba's love.

I have already been shown perfect love and even when I don't feel loved, I am being smothered with it.  I don't need anyone else to love me.  My Daddy God has never forgotten about me.  He loves me perfectly, constantly and forever more.

Someday, I will get to be in heaven with Him; I long for that day. But today, I love the one who loves me from this side of the heaven.  I love those who I have been blessed to be surrounded by, but I will not work to make them love me back.

 

Colossians 3

22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 

 

Song of the Day: Identity - Kutless

 

 

GRACE UNPLUGGED

He Saved Others

Luke 23

³² Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. ³³ When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. ³⁴ Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

³⁵ The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.”
³⁶ The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar ³⁷ and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.”
³⁸ There was a written notice above him, which read: this is the king of the jews.
³⁹ One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”
⁴⁰ But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹ We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”
⁴² Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”
⁴³ Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Last Sunday, I had the chance to go to church with one of my host families over here in Northern Ireland.  The Scotchman who was preaching that morning spoke about this passage, focusing on HE SAVED OTHERS, breaking it down with the emphasis on each word.  Since then, this passage has been just soaking in to my heart deeper and deeper.

People often say things like "How could God let that happen?"  I know I've done it.  When young people die, when natural disasters destroy a city, when a momma loses a baby... all these situations pull at our hearts and leave us perplexed about how a loving God could miss changing these situations.

When things like this happen, I am heart broken like the rest of the community, but I have to hold on to the truth.

I will never be able to understand the mind of God (1 Corinthians 2:16)
For what he does I can NOT comprehend because we do not think the same (1 Timothy 55:8)
But He is good (Romans 8:28)

I know that I, just like everyone else, mess up. (Romans 3:23)
If punished justly, I would have no chance of getting into heaven because of what I've done. (Romans 6:23)
I can't work hard enough, or stay good enough to make it to heaven on my own because Jesus is the only way (John 14:6)
But I have a second chance because Daddy God loved me enough to give up his son. (John 3:16)
And through his blameless life, undeserving death and coming back to life, Jesus beat death. (1 John 2:2)
So when I feel out of place I know it's that longing to go home (2 Corinthians 5:1-2 )


So I choose Jesus.  I choose Him because nothing else will ever save me, nothing else can ever comfort me and nothing else can ever fill me.  We are broken and empty.  That constant feeling of needing something more isn't just by chance.  It's this hole because we are incomplete until we are back home.

He saves others, not I save others
He saves others, not partially fixes and then forgets
He saves others, not he saves Himself, because He loves us that much.

Traveling Takes Me Back

A few years ago now, I went to New Zealand and it changed my life drastically.  It changed the way I treated those I loved, those I didn't love and myself.  And all of this happened because I discovered how much I was/am/always will be loved by the Father.  Looking back now, I know that's one of the reasons why I will always love New Zealand to bits, because aside from the welcoming community and the gorgeous countryside,  it really did shape my identity. 

Now, after being back two years, the freshness of that revelation has been hidden not because it is any less true, but because like precious silver, if not polished, it will begin to look tarnished. 

But traveling always helps me remember how big God really is.

His fingerprints are everywhere.

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.
- Colossians 1:16

In the relationships around me.

In the English countryside.

In the beauty of the sunrises and sunsets.

In my quiet times when I find a gem that speaks to my heart.

In the voice on the radio.

In my conversations with people about what I believe.

Yes, traveling takes me out of my comfort zone.  It takes me out of my normal group of people and from the people who agree with me.

But traveling reminds me why I love Jesus.

I love Him not out of obligation or condemnation.  I love Him because I've realized I am loved.

I go to church not because I believe that it is a required step to get to heaven, but because I love the community and know accountability is key.

I choose to share about what I believe in not because I want to force it down anyone's throat but because I've seen peoples lives be rocked when they let Him in.

I love traveling because it reminds me how fast everything I know on this earth can be gone in the blink of an eye, because everything is temporary outside of heaven.

When nothing else is constant, always moving from place to place, Daddy God is.

The best place to find yourself in my opinion will always be where nobody knows your background.  At this point, you get to discover your deepest self. 
When you strip away your mistakes and accomplishments,
the labels and titles,
the treasures and the struggles,
there at the core,
that's Jesus. 

Created in his image, a snap shot of the characteristics of God is embedded in our innermost being. 

So today, I am thankful for being able to travel, to be able to step out of the routine and be reminded of how much I am loved with a deeper understanding of Daddy God.

Send Me

I am nervous.

Since last Thanksgiving, I have been a part of an amazing family at Mill City Church. 

I found a Jesus Church, one that truly has it's heart aligned with God's heart.
 
When making decisions about the church, if it doesn't bring people closer to God and build community, they don't do it. 

And although they are nestled in a CSU building, they are not just a "College Church", but a family church that values all generations and works to bridge the gaps. 

The church family focuses on helping to build relationships and grow with God, as shown in their encouragement to join a small group, a place where I've seen growth, challenge, raw truth, and floods of support.

At Mill City, the church leads by example, giving 10% of the annual income to other ministries, and yet they aren't a money grabbing organization.  Here, giving is an act of worship, not something that people are guilted or shamed into doing.

At my church, they pray for and with each other because we believe in the power of prayer.  We serve a great king, but He's also a perfect daddy.

They value differences here.  At Mill City, they recognize that the body doesn't need 16 feet and no ears.  Instead of trying to make everyone a "cookie cutter" church member, you'll see them embracing individual talents and interests, welcoming diversity and the beauty of being unique.

Mill City is a bible-based church that believes in honoring God the father, Jesus and the Holy ghost.  I love this church... My Church.

But this Friday, I leave Colorado and head to Europe. 

While there, I will be living with wonderful families that have willingly opened up their homes to me, a complete stranger.  I am so grateful for their hospitality, but I know this will be a major change.

 

For the past four years, I have been rooted in Fort Collins, aside from a six month study abroad in New Zealand (where I also found community after a few months).  I have built a community of friends, family and support that has been both life sustaining and enriching.

As I hop around Europe as an IFYE for the next 6 months, I will likely be spending somewhere between four days and two weeks with each host family.  I love that I will be able to get to know so many people because of my constant movement, but their is still that hint of fear that I will not have a stable community.

A few months ago, when I was trying to decide to apply or not, I talked about this with a couple that I deeply respect and admire to which they responded "What if this is preparing you for something bigger?"  Over the past few years I have seen first hand that I am more pliable to God when I'm out of my comfort zone and away from my normal group.

So Daddy God, use this experience and use me.

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.” - Isaiah 6:8