Traveling Takes Me Back

A few years ago now, I went to New Zealand and it changed my life drastically.  It changed the way I treated those I loved, those I didn't love and myself.  And all of this happened because I discovered how much I was/am/always will be loved by the Father.  Looking back now, I know that's one of the reasons why I will always love New Zealand to bits, because aside from the welcoming community and the gorgeous countryside,  it really did shape my identity. 

Now, after being back two years, the freshness of that revelation has been hidden not because it is any less true, but because like precious silver, if not polished, it will begin to look tarnished. 

But traveling always helps me remember how big God really is.

His fingerprints are everywhere.

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.
- Colossians 1:16

In the relationships around me.

In the English countryside.

In the beauty of the sunrises and sunsets.

In my quiet times when I find a gem that speaks to my heart.

In the voice on the radio.

In my conversations with people about what I believe.

Yes, traveling takes me out of my comfort zone.  It takes me out of my normal group of people and from the people who agree with me.

But traveling reminds me why I love Jesus.

I love Him not out of obligation or condemnation.  I love Him because I've realized I am loved.

I go to church not because I believe that it is a required step to get to heaven, but because I love the community and know accountability is key.

I choose to share about what I believe in not because I want to force it down anyone's throat but because I've seen peoples lives be rocked when they let Him in.

I love traveling because it reminds me how fast everything I know on this earth can be gone in the blink of an eye, because everything is temporary outside of heaven.

When nothing else is constant, always moving from place to place, Daddy God is.

The best place to find yourself in my opinion will always be where nobody knows your background.  At this point, you get to discover your deepest self. 
When you strip away your mistakes and accomplishments,
the labels and titles,
the treasures and the struggles,
there at the core,
that's Jesus. 

Created in his image, a snap shot of the characteristics of God is embedded in our innermost being. 

So today, I am thankful for being able to travel, to be able to step out of the routine and be reminded of how much I am loved with a deeper understanding of Daddy God.

Send Me

I am nervous.

Since last Thanksgiving, I have been a part of an amazing family at Mill City Church. 

I found a Jesus Church, one that truly has it's heart aligned with God's heart.
 
When making decisions about the church, if it doesn't bring people closer to God and build community, they don't do it. 

And although they are nestled in a CSU building, they are not just a "College Church", but a family church that values all generations and works to bridge the gaps. 

The church family focuses on helping to build relationships and grow with God, as shown in their encouragement to join a small group, a place where I've seen growth, challenge, raw truth, and floods of support.

At Mill City, the church leads by example, giving 10% of the annual income to other ministries, and yet they aren't a money grabbing organization.  Here, giving is an act of worship, not something that people are guilted or shamed into doing.

At my church, they pray for and with each other because we believe in the power of prayer.  We serve a great king, but He's also a perfect daddy.

They value differences here.  At Mill City, they recognize that the body doesn't need 16 feet and no ears.  Instead of trying to make everyone a "cookie cutter" church member, you'll see them embracing individual talents and interests, welcoming diversity and the beauty of being unique.

Mill City is a bible-based church that believes in honoring God the father, Jesus and the Holy ghost.  I love this church... My Church.

But this Friday, I leave Colorado and head to Europe. 

While there, I will be living with wonderful families that have willingly opened up their homes to me, a complete stranger.  I am so grateful for their hospitality, but I know this will be a major change.

 

For the past four years, I have been rooted in Fort Collins, aside from a six month study abroad in New Zealand (where I also found community after a few months).  I have built a community of friends, family and support that has been both life sustaining and enriching.

As I hop around Europe as an IFYE for the next 6 months, I will likely be spending somewhere between four days and two weeks with each host family.  I love that I will be able to get to know so many people because of my constant movement, but their is still that hint of fear that I will not have a stable community.

A few months ago, when I was trying to decide to apply or not, I talked about this with a couple that I deeply respect and admire to which they responded "What if this is preparing you for something bigger?"  Over the past few years I have seen first hand that I am more pliable to God when I'm out of my comfort zone and away from my normal group.

So Daddy God, use this experience and use me.

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.” - Isaiah 6:8

The Journey to Joy

I am genuinely happy.  

Life is not perfect and I'm far from where I thought I would be, but my joyfulness often bubbles out uncontrollably. It's hard to contain.

But it hasn't always been that way. 

There is no secret recipe or a one time fix to suddenly be happy.  The path to joy will likely be different for everyone, but here's my journey.

A few years ago, I found myself in yet another season of constant sadness.  I'd been through the wringer, but even when life was going along beautiful,  I couldn't shake the feeling of worthlessness and being chronically sad.  I was overwhelmed with a heaviness that took it's toll on me, which in turn encouraged me to treat people poorly...... or just pretend that everything was okay.  Both responses made it hard for people to want to be around me.  My depression led to loneliness, which made me more sad, which made me more lonely and more sad.  It was a vicious cycle.

When I got to college, I reached my breaking point; I decided to see the doctor about it.  After being diagnosed with depression and PTSD, I made the decision not to take any medication (which may not be the best choice for everyone) but also not to stay where I was.  I had to make a change.

For me, depression had become an addiction.  I wallowed in it even when I felt good because it was familiar and yet, I wouldn't admit that it had a grip on my life. I was unwilling to give up the familiarity to find joy.

In John 5, Jesus shows up at the pool of Bethesda  (If you haven't read it, check it out!), and says to a man who has been ill for decades, "Do you want to be healed?" (v. 6)

When I decided that I wanted something else, I caught a glimpse of what God had been doing in my heart.  It was not in his design for me to be engulfed in sadness.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

-Zephaniah 3:17

From there, I started taking steps to walk in freedom.

***** Prayer Time

Talking to Daddy God is now one of my favorite things to do everyday because;
-He's doesn't have "store hours" so I can call Him any time
-He understands me even when I can't find the words (Psalm 139:4)
-It lets me give someone else my worries and hurts
-It builds our relationship

My prayer time has changed pretty drastically.  It's not boxed in to a few minutes a day when I have the right words and can close my eyes without getting distracted.  It's the time when I'm riding the bike at the gym, while I'm walking around campus, at 5 am prayer meetings, when I see something beautiful, when I see someone hurting, when I'm mad/sad/happy/thankful/bored/feeling any emotion, in corporate/solitary settings, etc.  Prayer time has become any moment that I want to talk to my Daddy God.

*****Research

I've been listening to and speaking lies into my own life, so I had a lot of unlearning to do.  I started reading my bible and listening to sermons to find out the truth.  I'm learning who I am, my identity in Christ, and who God is, both of which will rock your life.  You'll start seeing yourself and others the way that God sees them which in turn changes interactions and hearts.

*****Turn Out (Isaiah 58:10)

On my bad days, I've found that serving others is a great way to put things back into perspective.  My depression caused me to turn in and sulk about what was going on with me, me, me, me, me.  Serving on the other hand, brought the big picture back into sight and gave me a short term purpose.

But just look at Jesus's life.  His life was about serving and working for others.  The bible instructs us to serve.  Don't believe me? Check out these verses.

*****Thankfulness

Be thankful always.....

-Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

-Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.  And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:17-21)

-Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
    make known his deeds among the peoples!
² Sing to him, sing praises to him;
    tell of all his wondrous works!
³ Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
⁴ Seek the Lord and his strength;
    seek his presence continually!
⁵ Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
⁶ O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
    children of Jacob, his chosen ones! (Psalm 105:1-6)

Sometimes I need to be reminded that although there's crap going on around me, it's not all bad.  While I'd love to take credit for this idea, it's not a new one.  In the movie Pollyanna, the young girl teaches people to plays The Glad Game.  In White Christmas, Bing Crosby sings about counting his blessings. There's something heart changing about seeing the good.  When I'm having a bad day, I'll have a friend hold me accountable for being thankful by sending them texts all day about what I'm thankful for.

*****Focus

You have to focus on the right things.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:4-8

*****Community

When a person is depressed, it's really dangerous for them to be alone.  Even when I don't feel like being around people, I try not to let myself retreat to be by myself for very long.  Over the past few years, I've put in the effort to build friendships because I know that we're not supposed to be alone (John 15, Ecclesiastes 4, Galatians 6:2, etc.)  I now have friends who recognize when I'm struggling and will call me out on it.  I talk to my family and have stopped church hopping so I can have a church family.  I'm in a small group, and put out effort to meet with people regularly.  I also don't live by myself because I don't want to allow myself the opportunity to slip back into my own little world.

Depression is hard whether it's a chronic pattern that just won't go away or a deep sadness that just showed up because of a recent event.  Being joyful doesn't always happen over night, but don't loose hope; Joy is possible.  Nothing can ever separate us from God (Romans 8).

Always remember you are deeply loved, never alone and always treasured.  Everything here is temporary. 

DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, 

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

- Romans 15:13

In Love,

Lizarbug <3

Stealing the Joy of the Journey

Once upon a time, people decided that the best time to get engaged is right between the turkey feast in November and giant crystal ball dropping in NYC.  As tradition continues, one after another, my friends are getting engaged.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for all them ... but some days I can't help but feel left behind.

In high school, I refused to date because I wanted to date to marry.  I'd joke with my three sisters (two of which are older than me) that I would be the the first one to get married, but for the most part, I was hoping more than joking. While some girls want the big wedding day, I just wanted to be married.  I've had this desire in my heart for as long as I can remember: to be married and be a mom.

Since high school, I have been in three relationships. Following decisions to go our own ways, they each ended up getting engaged to their next girlfriend. (One of my good guy friends joked the other day that he should date me so her can meet his future wife sooner.)  Please don't get me wrong; I AM happy for them.  I'm glad they found women they want to spend forever with, but seeing my ex-boyfriends all engaged right now is HARD. 

It makes me question where I am, why we ended things and what's wrong with me.

 

And comparing ourselves to others is never a good idea.

The very first murder came from comparison.

(Genesis 4: 2b-5, 8)

"Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil.  In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.  But Abel bought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock.  The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. (...) Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field."  And while they were in the field, Cain  attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

And remember the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors?

(Genesis Chapter 37:3)

"Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him."

As the story continues, Joseph's brothers plot to kill him and eventually sell Joseph into slavery because of their jealousy.

It's a simple pattern that has repeated itself all through history and continues today.

Comparison leads to Discontent,

Discontent leads to Jealousy

And Jealousy can lead to Sin.

I can't help but believe that that's why God wants us to stop at the first step, comparison, so we don't get caught in the slippery slope.

Let everyone be sure that he is doing his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work well done and won't need to compare himself with someone else.     (Galatians 6:4)

Jesus was not married and had no children to call him daddy, and yet he loved better than anyone else.  Mother Teresa was not married and never gave birth to a child of her own, and yet she impacted and loved so many people. 

I want to love people better. 

I want to make an impact.

And I want to be married and have children...If that's where God leads me in the future.

Right now though, I am not in a season of engagement. Right now I am in a season of change and travel. After graduation in May, I will be leaving the country in mid June to be an IFYE ambassador to Europe.  I don't know where I'm going to stay yet or who I'm going to meet, but I know that this is where I'm supposed to be headed. 

This is my path.  It may not look like my friends. It may lead to years of singleness.  It may end up being lonely at times, but I will be patient and I will wait because God's got a plan that is much better for me than the fairytale I've created in my head.

I will WAIT and strive to be content with my relationship status, for there is a time for everything.  I will wait, but not on God to show up. I will wait with God, for God's perfect timing.

Psalm 130:5-6

 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Remembering Self Care

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, Be patient in tribulation, Be constant in prayer.

Today my dear friend, Jamie Utt, reminded me of the importance of taking care of myself. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in life and the hurts of others, that I struggle with self care.... and maybe a little more often than sometimes. I can spin into self destruct mode without even noticing it.


As part of one of his advocate classes, he was instructed to make a self care plan. I've really never put a lot of thought into this before, but I think it's a great idea!

As I head into my final semester and a season of travel, here are a few things off the running list of things I can do to take care of my self;

• Listen to worship music, Aaron Watson or some good oldies
• Read some from The Ultimate Love Letter
• Massage the base of my neck, my hands or my feet
• Sit on the floor in the kitchen
• Cuddle with a puppy
• Serving others (in a non-stressful way)
• Take a nap
• Sing
• Write from the heart on one of my blogs
• Knit or Crochet.... even if the end goal is to have something to pull out
• Go get nasty sweaty at the gym
• Sit at a piano and wander across the keys
• Drink some tea
• Give things away
• Bake!
• Write a letter to someone I haven't talked to in a while
• Make a list of blessings/thankfulness
• Paint a canvas
• Go for a prayer walk
• Pop in a musical
• Take pretty pictures
• Have some quiet time or even a half day for a God Date
• Journal
• Watch the Free Hug video on YouTube
• Sink into a Bubble Bath in a room full of candles
• Hangout with some of my favorite kiddos
• Make kool aid Popsicles in an ice tray
• Call up one of my sisters, parents, adopted parents, church mates, or Brandon
• Doodle and make random lists
• Go do some target shooting
• Do something crafty
• Read through some old journals to remember how far I've come
• Watch Jeopardy, Friends, Boy Meets World, or Wishbone
• Pull the hair out of the drain, blow out a keyboard or one of my other weird cleaning delights
• Look at things in my "happy times" box
• Have a mini dance party
• Make weird sounds into the face of a fan (if you haven't talked into a fan before, you really should)
• Braid my hair
• Curly up with a fluffy blanket
• Peruse through the photos on my hard drive
• Cry in the shower
• Laugh
• Chew a large wad of gum and practice blowing really big bubbles
• Rub my ear lobes (like what they did on Runaway Bride.... it really does work!)
• Go for a hike
• Practice Gleeking
• Sing in the shower
• Go smell pretty flowers

For me..... these things make me happy, remind me what's important, make a me feel like a kid again and bring me back to place of contentment.  What's on your list?

A Generous Life and a Pile of Stones

Sometimes I feel such a “screw-up”. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and then some it seems.

The other day, I was talking to a friend that felt the same way and it reminded me of this story in the bible....

_____________________

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

(Found in John Chapter 8)
______________________



When I look back on different situations, I know I've been on both sides of the pile of rocks. I have been the one holding the stone, full of pride and judgment, wanting God to say it's okay for me to punish someone else.

I have also been the one who crumbles in fear as I wait to see what others are going to do to me because I messed up. I've tried to run and hide from God multiple times because my guilt makes me feel so ugly and so unworthy that I don't even want him to see my mess.

But this guilt is not from God. Guilt, feeling as though your worth has decreased because of something you've done, is the devils tool. He uses it to bring people to a place where they feel so unworthy to be with God that they distance themselves from him. The devil knows that God will never leave us, but he wants us to feel like we can't talk to Abba Father, that Daddy God is shunning us. When we choose to try to distance ourselves from God, the devil has more space to creep in and attack.

John 10:10 describes the devil as "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy". He's lurking there, just waiting for a chance to steal our peace, our joy, and our worth. Like a pick-pocket, the thief removes theses pieces, sometimes without us even knowing it was him, but instead we blame ourselves for not having them anymore.

For the next thirty days, Pastor Chris has challenged Citipointe Fort Collins to say yes to living a life of generosity, giving everytime there is a physical, spiritual, emotional or financial need because that is what the church, the body of Christ, should be doing. It's going to be amazing and life changing without a doubt. That's why I'm in.

But this morning, I think I caught a glimpse of something else God wants us to do. He wants us to be generous with our grace and forgiveness with everyone, including the person we see in the mirror. We have to stop condemning ourselves and others and giving the devil this foothold because we are angry (Ephesians 4:26-27).

So live generously. Give your time, your talent and your treasure. Love on people, forgive them, and flood the world with grace.

You are not condemned; YOU ARE LOVED. You are not chained to what you've done, are doing or will do; the cross paid for that, in full, FOR-EV-ER.

But I don't wanna..........

Friday morning my heart broke when I heard the news. 12 people killed and over 50 people wounded at a midnight premier of the new Batman movie in Aurora, CO. It consumed my thoughts, broke my heart and built my anger as I read and listened to the stories coming from the media. How could this be happening, again? Columbine, Fort Hood, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma City, the World Trade Center, Norway, London, Mumbai.... and those are just the ones that come to my mind the quickest. This vicious pattern just keeps rolling through history. But what can I do except for pray for the victims, their families and friends that are left with a gaping hole and communities that once again are being asked to rise and stand when they want to crumble in fear and grief?

Walking in to Citipointe Fort Collins yesterday, I could tell that so many others were being troubled with the same feeling of helplessness. It was like our hearts were yelling, "give me something to do!".... and Pastor Chris did.

As he started off with prayer to begin the sermon Honor (part 2), In Your Face, I expected him to pray for the victims, the family and friends, those still in the hospital, the law enforcement and medical staff that were handling this tragedy... and he did. What I didn't expect though was for him to pray for and honor James Holmes, the man who went into the theater and fired off round after round at movie goers less than 48 hours before. Chris honored him with disregard for his actions.

In my mind I thought “Whoa Whoa Whoa Pastor Chris! Don't you know what this guy just did? How can you honor who he is and forgive him so quickly?” My head and my heart couldn't grasp the concept immediately, but he was speaking truth. Check out my internal conflict below......

Me: But I don't want to pray for him........
Matthew 5:43-47
You have heard that is was said, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy." But I tell you; Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? (From Jesus)

Me: But he killed someone........
Matthew 5:22
You have heard that is was said to the people long ago, "Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment." But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. (From Jesus)

Me: But he didn't just kill one person.....
Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven."

Me: But can't I just hold on to this a little longer.....
Ecclesiastes 5:4
When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.
Ephesians 4: 26, 31
In your anger do not sin; Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Me: But do we really have to honor who he is....
1 Peter 2:17
Honor all people, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king.

Me: But if Pastor Chris is honoring him, do I still have to.....
Romans 12: 10
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Honoring means to value, respect, highly esteem, to treat as precious, weighty or valuable.

God honors us in our hot mess....
Psalm 91:14-16
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and HONOR him.

It doesn’t mean that what we do is honorable, BUT who we are, a children of God, created in his own image, should ALWAYS be honored and be honoring others. We are commanded to treat everyone with honor because God says they are precious.

Honor.... it's kinda a huge deal.